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I Will Stand on My Head, Till my Face Turns Red, and I am Dead, So Give Me Your Bread!

19 May

Everybody who has ever taken an extension course at UC Santa Cruz is now an internet marketing expert.

“Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, be there for an all rubber burning  AAA fuel elimination grudge match between pay per click and organic search.  See the page rankings fall by the wayside under the awesome weight of our totally unique methods of search engine optimization.  WE CAN GUARANTEE YOU A NUMBER ONE (ORGANIC) PAGE RANKING WITH GOOGLE!

Well no kidding you can guarantee that.  All you have to do is make their URL their company name, like I did with BayIntegratedMarketing.com.  If the URL is available, it is the ONLY ONE – Duh!  As long as you enter that URL exactly, it IS the only result in position one.  Thanks for the guarantee.  I guarantee that it will rain if you locate yourself in the middle of a rainstorm.

Make sure the company you are dealing with has legitimate credentials, explains to you what they will do for you in understandable language, and takes the time to meet with you to understand your business before spouting a bunch of promises.

Goodness gracious great balls-o-fire.  This is an actual e-mail that my wife got at work, not a Bill Maher parody, honestly!  Talk about snake oil salesmen:

I thought you might like to know some of the reasons why you are not getting more organic (FREE) search engine traffic for yoursite.com

1. Your home page rank is 1 , this can be improved further

2. Open directory listing is not available.

3. Your site has 1  Yahoo back links, this can be improved further.

There are many additional improvements that could be made to your website, and if you would like to learn about them, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with a detailed analysis in the form of a SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION (SEO) SITE REPORT.

 To brief you about our company, in addition to SEO, we provide Social Media Optimization (SMO) and reputation management for our clients. Our efforts on behalf of our clients have brought thousands of keywords to the first page of Google organic search results with excellent conversion rates. I will be happy to provide you with a list of clients with contact details, keyword rankings, etc. Our clients will be happy to talk with you about their experience with our services.

Wow, how original.  Doesn’t sound like an unsolicited bulk email to me.

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