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America’s Horniest States

01 Apr

​We know what you’re thinking: horniest state? How are they going to count all those animals?

So yes, while it’s true that doing the legwork on this piece was quite arduous, finally answering one of those long-nagging questions made it all worth it.

 

 

The first thing to know is that horns and antlers are completely different things. For starters antlers are temporary, whereas, like herpes, horns are forever. Therefore it would have been scientifically inaccurate for us to include such antlered animals as deer, caribou and elk. That said, we’re happy to report that we’ll be publishing a follow-up piece, “What Are The Antleriest States?” next week. Please check back for it.

As it turns out, there are only five horned animals native to the U.S. — bighorn sheep, Dall sheep, mountain goat, muskox, and bison — and they all reside in either Alaska or the West. It’s a scientific fact that any state east of Texas is not the least bit horny.

Our findings include:

• Not only is Alaska obsessed with smoking porn, but it also happens to be the horniest state in the union. Just under 80,000 wild bighorn sheep, Dall sheep, mountain goats, and muskox call the Last Frontier home.

• Colorado, known not for smoking porn but smoking pot, is the second horniest state. The largest bighorn sheep population calls the Rockies home, along with a growing number of potheads with bongs strapped to their foreheads.

• It’s only fitting that Montana, with its strong ranching roots, comes in at third. The Treasure State is of course home to part of Yellowstone National Park, where the nation’s largest natural bison population resides.

Frankly we had no idea what to expect when we began our research. We assumed all states were equally horny, except perhaps Kansas or Nebraska. But we were blown away by the horny numbers, and we hope you were too. Now back to our study on the adverse effects of caulk blocking.

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