There’s nothing like a little bit of irrationally violent rage to get your blood flowing. Don’t worry—that spasm of hatred you feel for Celebrity X is a natural cultural phenomenon. If you don’t occasionally feel a white-hot tidal wave of enraged adrenaline when you see the smarmy face of someone undeserving of celebrity, you’re probably dead inside. Embrace that life-giving anger, and embrace this collection of celebrities with the most gloriously punchable faces.
James Franco’s future is so bright, he has to squint. Constantly. Unfortunately, the exhausting act of perma-squinting has left him completely drained, leaving no energy left to act, write passable fiction, create worthwhile art, or make sense during interviews. Franco, who has apparently just woken up all of the time, may benefit from a left cross, if only to wake him up for a few minutes to properly assess the joke that is his life.
Fun fact: human cheeseburger Guy Fieri has never been photographed without a sausage. Look it up. Channeling the spirit of a ’90s pop-punk band reject, Fieri is the very special kind of monster who bleaches his Dragonball Z hair, and only the very center of his garlic teriyaki chipotle beard. Born without the ability to feel shame or pain, punching Guy Fieri is a harmless exercise that only makes the world a nicer place, and works off some of those extra calories from his restaurant’s signature Mac ‘n’ Cream Cheese French Fry Salad.
Kanye West hates you for no reason. Taking himself too seriously and blaming his artistic shortcomings on persecution, Kanye is frequently forced to apologize for the stupid things that his stupid mouth says. Petitions have circulated to remove Kanye from performances because he’s just too hard to deal with, but where the petitions have failed, a punch to Kayne’s slack-jawed face might just remind him that he’s a human after all.
One of media’s many professional jerks, Piers Morgan has collided with more celebrities than most serious news people due to his pursuit of sensationalism and ratings over professional discourse. Now that his show has been cancelled by CNN, no one will have to listen to the Brit blabber about American issues. At least Jeremy Clarkson, fellow host and known face-puncher, got in a few good blows on Morgan for his creepy reportage of Clarkson’s personal life.
Leaving a trail of broken marriages and failed businesses behind him, Donald Trump is America’s worst citizen. He denounces foreign manufacturing while using overseas factories to make his cheap branded merchandise, and spews intolerance under the guise of “telling it like it is.” Trump’s politics don’t even matter. It’s that spittle-lipped bulldog underbite that needs to be snapped back into place with a sucker punch. Why not? It’s the same thing he did to most of his investors.