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Heroic Sinkhole Opens On White House Lawn, Expressing Public Sentiment

22 May

GETTY IMAGES

A sinkhole has opened up on the White House North lawn and, no, this is not a metaphor.

View image on Twitter

Voice of America reporter Steve Herman reports that the swamp now has a new drainage system, it’s a result of the ground beneath this administration rapidly crumbling, again it is not a metaphor, and—like Robert Mueller probe—it is expanding.

According to Herman, a second sinkhole—a vice sinkhole, if you will—opened up next to the first in celebration of Gemini season. Both holes have set up GoFundMe accounts to support their progress in rapidly opening up the gates of Hell. At the timing of this writing, both GoFundMe campaigns had exceeded their goal.

It’s a bold but unsurprising resistance action on the part of the planet Earth, one of the Trump administration’s biggest enemies.

WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Experts expect Trump to declare war on the planet at some point before the midterm elections, so presumably this sinkhole is a preemptive first strike. We reached out to the sinkhole for comments. “Not to get too political,” the sinkhole said, “but I’m really looking forward to swallowing this entire White House into the molten lake of lava that sits in the middle of this planet, next to the dragon cave and the Starbucks.”

The unexplained rapid dissolution of the ground on which the White House stands is, again, not metaphorical but actually happening and hopefully will be captured on a live webcam. Is there anything more American than tuning in in real-time to watch the once-hallowed halls now trod by creeps and Dick Tracy villains tumble into the abyss like a Bluth Company model home?

It’s all happening. And by that I mean, The Happening. The Happening is happening.

Breaking: the sinkhole just inked a multi-year sitcom deal to star in a revival of What’s Happening?

The good news for the president is that a live cam of the sinkhole would probably give him the best ratings of his life, so things are looking up for everyone. The bad news is that the sinkhole currently has a 98% approval rating.

It’s also being reported that Robert Mueller has recently brought a spelunker on to his team and will be following the investigation where ever it leads him, up to and including the La Croix-filled, left-leaning, atrophying core of the planet.

Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.

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