WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Donald J. Trump is reportedly “seething with envy” and “furious” that another baby is suddenly getting all the attention, White House aides have confirmed.
The aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Trump was “beside himself” after watching cable news cover a baby other than himself all Monday morning.
“He can’t understand why they are suddenly obsessed with this baby,” one aide said. “He thinks he should be the only baby that people are thinking about, and this new baby is driving him nuts.”
According to the aide, Trump even threatened to slap new tariffs on China in the hopes of stealing attention away from the baby, but to no avail.
“Honestly, I feel bad for him,” the aide said. “He’s used to being the youngest person, and now there’s someone younger.”