I’m in a Facebook group called San Francisco Current Events. It’s exactly what it sounds like; people share all kinds of newsworthy things going on in SF and the Bay Area. The other day I checked it out and found something extra special: the mayor of tiny Vero Beach, Florida wrote a letter, on official letterhead, lambasting San Francisco and the Board of Supervisors.
Since Mayor Val Zudans is a “lifetime NRA member, concealed carry permit holder” he took particular umbrage to the supervisors designating the NRA a “domestic terrorist organization” — and taking inspiration right out Trump’s playbook — used his official position to call San Francisco a “sanctuary for criminals, addicts, and homeless encampments” and that “Your most recent action stinks like the steaming excrement on your streets.”*
I’d like to take a moment to respond to Mayor Zudans’ letter:
Dear Mayor Zudans –
Your concern for the well being of San Francisco has been duly noted. After consulting with the citizenry of our fair city, it’s been universally agreed upon that nobody asked for your damn opinion. While I’m sure that being mayor of a town of 17,000 people has its challenges, San Francisco is a city of nearly a million people and has a $12 billion budget. Heeding your advice on how a city should be run would be like the San Francisco Giants taking advice from a t-ball coach.
Maybe I should use a more familiar analogy for you since Vero Beach doesn’t have a professional sports team…or even a real airport for that matter. You’re an ophthalmologist right? Your attempt to tell San Francisco how to run itself is like a drunken teenager watching a YouTube video on eye examinations trying to advise you on your practice. What I’m getting at here is: stay in your lane, Val. Stick to performing Lasik surgery and trying to upsell transition lenses.
In your absurd, misguided, and frankly uninspiring letter, you mention that owning a gun is one of our “God-given Constitutional liberties” and to be honest Val, that just made me smile. I’m not exactly a Biblical scholar, but I’m 100 percent certain there is no mention of guns anywhere in the New or Old Testament. Besides the fact that guns weren’t invented when any part of the Bible was written, could you imagine hippy-ass Jesus saying “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me…and obviously trust in my Beretta”?
On top of that, God didn’t give us this land, we disgustingly took it from Native Americans by force and through genocide…which is something I figured you might know about considering your city is in Indian River County. And God didn’t give us those Constitutional liberties, they were written by a bunch of men who owned slaves and treated women like second class citizens.
Which brings me to my next point, you seem to be obsessed with the idea that, if something is a law, then it must be just. Remember how two sentences ago I mentioned owning slaves and treating women as second class citizens? Well, that used to be legal. Do you think prohibition was just and fair? That was, stupidly, a constitutional amendment. And didn’t Jesus get killed for breaking the law? Your argument is weaker than a Mai Tais at Disney’s Vero Beach Resort.
Most importantly though, the NRA is a domestic terrorist organization. In your insipid letter you quoted Webster’s Dictionary’s definition of the word terrorism as “the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion,” which I thank you for. There is no better way to describe what the NRA does in our country. Through lies and propaganda is convinces gullible marks like you that owning a firearm will protect you from our “tyrannical government” and save you from bad guys who want to shoot you first.
I covered this in my column a few weeks ago Val, but since you’re just now becoming an avid reader of my column, I’ll break it down for you real quick. If the government wants you, your guns won’t protect you. They have bigger guns, and drones, and tanks, and hell, they even bombed an entire neighborhood in Philly in 1985 to kill armed American citizens. As for the idiotic pissing contest that is the idea that “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun”: that lie has been disproven through 40- plus years of data and reported by Stanford University and the FBI.
In closing, I’d like to thank you for being the most absurd Florida Man yet. It’s only through the hard work of enterprising nitwits like you that Florida can continue not just looking like America’s Limp Weenie, but acting like it to.
*The difference here between the supervisors passing a unanimous resolution and an individual using his office as a pulpit shouldn’t need to be explained.
Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, TV host and poet. Follow him at BrokeAssStuart.com and join his mailing list at http://bit.ly/BrokeAssList. He is a guest columnist and his point of view is not necessarily that of The Examiner.