Tag Archives: CBS

With Humility Second Only to Adolph, We Offer the Wisdom of Charlie Sheen


“I am on a drug – it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.”

“If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”

“The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.”

“I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks. Because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear: Go.”

“I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”

“It’s been a tsunami of media and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard.”

“The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

“I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

“People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.”

“I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.”

“Dying is for fools, amateurs.”

“I’m not fair game. I’m not a soft target. It’s over. There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

“I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

“If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

“I’m not Thomas Jefferson, he was a pussy!”

“(CBS) picked a fight with a warlock.”

“[A.A.] was written for normal people, people that aren’t special. People that don’t have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA.”

“I’ve got a 10,000 year old brain and the boogers of a 7 year old.”

“I’m shakin’ a tree.  I’m shakin’ all the trees. ”

[On why he’s so quotable] “I’m grandiose.  Because I live a grandiose life.  I’m not aw shucks… because I’m gnarly.”

[On past prostitutes who’ve gone public with their Charlie Sheen stories] “Yeah, where is she now?  She’s under a bridge.”

“What is so bad about being under bridges, anyway?  Bridges should sue Anthony Keidis for defamation.”

[On being asked, ‘Are you worth a hundred million dollars?’] “I think I’m worth over a 100 BILLION dollars, but that’s just on a cellular level.”

“I am battle tested bayonets”

“Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber.”

“Marry a tree. My other marriages didnt work out so I’m going to marry a tree.”


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After Charlie Sheen’s Rant, CBS Pulls Plug on Two and a Half Men

Moral of the story:  No matter how big (no pun intended) you think you are, your karma will indeed catch up with you eventually.  No wonder Emilio changed his name.

by Glen Levy

Mario Anzuoni/Reuters/Corbis 

Mario Anzuoni/Reuters/Corbis

In the words of CBS and Warner Bros., due to the “totality of Charlie Sheen‘s statements, conduct and condition,” production has ceased on the top-rated sitcom Two and a Half Men.

The 45-year old Sheen, who seems to be doing his best impression of how to spectacularly end a career in showbiz, gave a bizarre and incoherent radio interview with Alex Jones in which he tore into his executive producer Chuck Lorre and other targets such as Alcoholics Anonymous, calling it a “bootleg cult” with a 5% success rate, compared to his own “100%” success rate.

(More on See more on Sheen trashing a hotel room in the top 10 scandals of 2010.)

Going down the same path that some would say was already taken by Mel Gibson, Sheen’s spleen seemed to carry elements of anti-semitism. “There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine — yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name — mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process.”

But Sheen wasn’t done. “Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write,” he said.

While Lorre had no comment on either Sheen’s remarks or the production shutting down, the increasingly erratic Sheen would not go quietly. In what the website TMZ dubbed an “open letter,” Sheen called Lorre a “contaminated little maggot” and wished the producer “nothing but pain.” He also wants his fans to start a protest movement for him, which may be difficult considering that he could be down to single figures on that front. “I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong,” he wrote.

(More on The top 50 websites of 2010.)

Because of the already existing hiatus in the schedule due to Sheen’s rehab for reported drug and alcohol abuse, there were only going to be 20 episodes rather than the usual 24 in a season. This will now become 16, which is an additional headache the network could have done without. “It may be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex,” said Sheen. At this rate, Sheen may need to get used to spending a lot more time by himself.

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